Time Venger

by brightonsauce

[This was response to a forum post ‘would you kill baby Hitler,’ it is half-baked naturally, incomprehensible, and I look a prat story-telling, move along please, please :)]


‘For sure, Heimlich, the mission shall raise profile of our charity. Look at the spreadsheet.’

‘But I am uncertain, chairleader. Ethical considerations cannot be dismissed.’

‘Shut up. Take these, the tiny daggers, and go, go, leap into the Atomic System Seismic Historical Application Transformer.’

Heimlich Afenger strapped into the charity ASSHAT, closed his eyes thirty five hundred times as instructed by the scientist assistant. His mind spun thirty five centuries back through time.

Seconds later he lay naked, young man spread-eagled upon forest foliage, arms raised above head, daggers clutched in the one fist. His other arm dropped and tugged lazily at the genetically enhanced sexual organ strapped to his kneecap. Cuckoos called in mating song, away toward a distant border, and from that same border came the delicious scent of chocolate. Heimlich stared at the sky, an awareness of the fantastic mission only returned slowly to his mind.

Contemplation of the situation was broken by the snap of twig, and vision, a very attractive woman stood at his feet.

‘Why young swordsman, why you lie in woodland?’ barked Maria Schicklegruber, the voice grated somewhat, yet she was a most attractive madchen, curvaceous under her country smock, a smock seemingly held upon two wonderful bullets strapped to her chest.

‘I am space adventurer from Mercury,’ said Heimlich, ‘come to cleanse history.’

‘Of course you are,’ said Maria, ‘and here, take my baby.’ She unstrapped the ugly infant from her back, and dropping his daggers to the cool soil, Heimlich cradled the child. Maria sat at his side, fed Heimlich fresh hazelnuts foraged from the undergrowth.

‘Your baby has thick, luscious locks swept across her forehead, those piercing blue eyes, a suggestion of hair atop upper lip. Uncommon in one so young, no?’

‘He’s a boy,’ said Maria, ‘troublesome,’ and she fed the astronaut another hazelnut, giggled seductively. ‘I have fed you two hazelnuts,’ she said, ‘perhaps you have something, something hot for me, a main course, spaceman?’

‘Of course, how rude of me,’ said Heimlich, and threw the baby away toward a distant stump. He made love to the beautiful woman, as was common practice on Mercury.

After they had made love, Heimlich sat up, addressed his woman: ‘I must inform you that I am the enforcer of the Interstellar Justice Liaison Group. Having collated the clues at my disposal I must inform you [again], I shall kill your baby.’

‘Oh it is not my baby,’ said Maria, ‘that is young Ernie Wittgenstein from across the pond.’

Heimlich regarded the baby’s corpse aside the stump. Yes, the baby was dead [already], a collateral baby. Wittgenstein would never compose philosophical treatise Logicica Mathmatica at the Cambridge University. Anyway it was too difficult for most people to read, if that was even the title, he could not remember – exactly.

‘I am sorry, ‘ said Heimlich. ‘I must leave you Maria, and go kill a different baby. Spring-heeled Heimlich leapt over the tree tops, over the distant customs post, his mission to assassinate infant Adolf Hitler etcetera etcetera


Would you kill baby Hitler?