Cow Life 6
Warming up only & resurrection
DEr Redear, I return and have recuperated from the brain operation. Our NHS provides me a fabulous cow’s hed for the final remaining decade of my moow[gage].
…yet things were not always so smothy.
‘I need a stallion transplant, and now,’ I snorted, indignant [hero face] in the face of the chief surgeon, Dr AB Furrenjent. I slumped back into my chair, here in his consultancy, the [so-called] room.
‘Please be patient,’ he chuckled from behind the desk, ‘and accept your pathetic national insurance contributions entitle you to a… mere mouse brain [or perhaps two cat frontal lobes] at the current exchange rates.’ He laughed, and tossed the calculator into my lap, and, [then] continued ‘Anyway Mr Pricked, you thinked too much…about stuff..and that is why…’
Why? I reddened significantly – around the cheeks – and also at the top of my chest actually.
I’m off tonight,’ he said, ‘I need a decision from you today before my skiing trip with Dr Winston Babydoctor, so decide, loser. Take the cow brain procedure, or death…’
Maybe that’s what he said? Who am I to say what other people said, I’m no bovine linguist, just beautiful in the eyes and mouth, spindly around the thighs, hanging with my girls in a field, in long grass, roll[ing] around with no clothes on, re-telling to my gals the [dirty] bull anecdote:
‘I knew bull,’ I sniggered,‘sidled up behind me, whispered in my ear, licked my wet nose until it was a wetter nose,’ I said. ‘Then he tickled my udder with his hoof – (&) I squirted. The farmer, he was furious, but I don’t care, Dairycress can stick it up their asses.’
‘You say it, Daisy..’ said the cows.
I moved house. Brighton is history section. Now, each morning I look at the sea from my bedroom, look at the sea from my living room. Beach life lies at my feet. Everyone says ‘when you going fishing?’
‘No, boys,’ I say – ‘I am waiting for May when the sea is warmer. Skinny dip, a wrap of bacon round my rod. Plough the waves and catch me a mermaid, or cod, or a crab, I haven’t decided.’
All the best team. I’m sorry to close the blog in a sulk, and to do some writing also. I did do some writing, but don’t think anybody wants it.
NOT YET, my moooooows x